Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has always wondered why The Muppets had large protruding eyes. Then she realized that if she had a hand up her ass, her eyes would protrude too.

   My wife was mad because I wouldn't ask for directions even though we were lost. So she makes me pull over and she says to a guy "Please tell my husband where we are.And say it slow so even he'll understand." Then the guy says " BURRR GERRR KIIIING!"

   I ordered the food, seatbelted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window.

   Remember the days when you would leave for work, and say goodbye to your spouse, lover or partner, knowing you probably wouldn't talk to them until you got home from work? No cellphones, emails, texting, facebook, blah, blah! Man, though were the days...

   I wear an eye patch when I download music illegally.

   I've always wanted to spin around in a chair and say: "I've been expecting you."

   Facebook is basically a crazy house. People poke each other all day, have an imaginary pet, farm, and city, talk to walls, and have random arguments with people.

   What's six inches long, two and a half inches wide, and drives women wild?................................. Money

   Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!

   When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.

   If you don't go after it, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you dont step forward, you'll always be in the same place.

   Was once told by a farmer that thongs are like barb-wire fence. It protects the property without blocking a great view.

   When Facebook starts showing how many times you viewed somebody\'s profile, were all damn screwed.

   I think American Idol could make it a little more interesting by adding a trap door.

   Do you want people to accept you as you are? Or do you want them to like you?

   Taco Party outside Bill's office Right now!

   Sex is the price women pay for marriage,and marriage is the price men pay for sex

   If it takes you more than an hour to answer a text message I will assume that you're dead.

   Whenever someone says "Expect the unexpected" I get the urge to smack them and say "It's not as good as it sounds, is it?"

   that a friend in need is a friend indeed, but a 'friend' that is ALWAYS in need is getting on my nerves.