Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mike Pence is a wax sculpture in a museum of what people used to believe and live like centuries ago.

   Womens March was the largest gathering of people with disabilities in US history.

   It sucks when a bunch of rich white guys don't get the improvements to their health care plan at the expense of women and the poor like they have been promised.

   Windmill noise causes cancer? I learn something new everyday.

   Dear In and Out Burger, I hate you!! Signed, Someone Who Works Down the Street

   If it wasn't for Me, it would just be Aweso

   The guy who stands in the entrance of Walmart and says "Welcome to Walmart" must say it so many times, he probably wakes up at night yelling it.

   (Whitney) Houston, we have a problem.

   Buying a ugly fat chick a purity ring is like putting a fence around a dog with no legs

   Fun Fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, "Marco" and then an even fainter, "Polo."

   Studies show fewer Democrats vote when it rains on Election Day. I guess they don't want the stuff in their shopping cart to get wet.

   It makes sense that Cain can't recognize these women, since at the time he was pushing their heads down to his crotch.

   You're not invited to the party in my pants because you don't know the difference between your and you're.

   I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say, “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

   Gender is like the Twin Towers. There used to be two of them but now it is a very sensitive subject.

   "The term CRACKER offendes me" - nobody.

   Nancy Grace TONIGHT: George Zimmerman's secret plot to kill the Royal Baby.

   After all these years of jacking off a hand job from a girl just doesn't cut it. I need a dry rough man hand to get the job done.

   What do you call a woman that doesn't make me a sandwich? An ambulance.

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, thew shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed