Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wanna know who your real friends are? Disable your facebook page a week before your birthday and see who calls you on your birthday. WARNING!! May cause depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. Use this technique at you own RISK!!!!

   The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."

   The guy who invented "Take Your Child To Work Day" probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

   I washed the car with my son today. Worst.sponge.EVER.

   I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice

   Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.

   Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say

   I don't know what "Swagger" is but I know Justin Bieber and lil wayne both claim to have it so I'm assuming it's not talent.

   I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.

   Silence is the best answer to a stupid question.

   thinks the best part about his job is that his chair spins!

   .♫♪♫..it's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas...♫♪♫

   DONT YOU HATE THAT KID WHO REMINDS THE TEACHER ABOUT TESTS OR QUIZES....

   Please stop calling me a "cracker." The correct term in "Saltine-American."

   I think if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single" or petition for a new status called "I am bootycall."

   Did you know that "Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad?"

   Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like one mirror at a time

   you know you're getting old when you see a beautiful 19 year old girl and wonder what her mother looks like.

   A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he's just going to use it for drugs and alcohol, and then I thought... That's what I'm going to use it for

   After several hours of intense negotiating at the car dealership, I'm happy to say that I'm the proud owner of a 30ft. inflatible Gorilla...Yeah baby.....