Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate.

   I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients are clueless.

   If I was single, I would have a stick figure of myself on the back of my car next to a bag of cash.

   Some of my best relationships now are with people who I dont have relationships with anymore.....

   iPad...for when you have your iPeriod

   Okay...someone explain this to me. You have five urinals in a public restroom and are using the one all the way at the end. Someone walks in and....out of the four other available urinals, decides to "neighbor pee" in the one next to you......WTH?!?

   A man gets on a plane with 6 kids. The flight attendant asks, "Are these your kids?" The man replies, "No, I work for Trojan and these are customer complaints!"

   3 little sentences that will get you through life...1 "Cover me" 2 "Good idea,boss" 3 "It was like that when I got here".

   The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

   fixed a $2 toy with an $8 tube of glue. Because the rules of economics don't apply to parenthood.

   Facebook is the Hotel California of the new millennium. You can log out any time you like, but you can never leave.

   "Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.

   Peter Griffin doesn't look so stupid now with his volcano insurance.

   What a sweet lemonade stand. Your daughter is going be a wonderful bartender when she grows up.

   From now on if you type, "LOL" you should have to submit a video proving it.

   The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.

   Please stop telling me how poor you are via Facebook for iPhone.... really?

   Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

   Today at school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.

   I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot