Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!

   Women, give them an inch and they'll want all eight.

   All alcohol will make my clothes fall off... tequila just makes that happen in public.

   Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

   I really don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his shi t and be fine and then they eat half a candy bar and die.

   I don't like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I'm leaving!

   I think it's safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.

   Hey person calling from a blocked number, I'm not answering...... Ever.

   FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.

   I wish people who say "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" would stay in Vegas.

   Hey white p eople with dreads - that's quite enough of that.

   So I heard if I needed to reach the NSA directly I can just dial any number?

   I'm bored. Maybe I should leave the house and check Facebook from somewhere else.

   Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.

   One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.

   I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can't wait to show them to my wife!!

   A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course he survived the crash.

   I'm shy at first, but once I'm comfortable with you get ready for some crazy s$it.

   I'm starting to think the Jackson family might have some problems.

   The world is made up of kids who can't wait to grow up...and adults who wish they hadn't.