Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the rejection you feel when the automatic doors dont open for you..

   Try something spontaneous today. Like combustion.

   If you have kids, your life is kids. If you don't, your life is going out to eat and buying electronics.

   Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.

   The moment someone tells you that you're not good enough is the moment you know you're better than them.

   the best way to get out of a text conversation: "The message could not be delivered. Please try again later. Error 226110."

   Lying in bed, wondering if it's worth it to get up and pee.

   The iPhone- checks my facebook, checks my email, organizes my music, calls my Mom, and now it tracks my whereabouts? It's like having a jealous psycho girlfriend in your pocket.

   When you start complaining that all your dreams have not come true, you have to realize that not all your nightmares came true either.

   How come whenever I tell someone I play guitar, they challenge me to Guitar Hero? I have never challenged a veteran to Call of Duty.

   Am I the only one who sits in the car when it rains, picks a raindrop, and cheers for it to beat all the other ones to the bottom?

   in an open relationship with Maria Shriver

   That awkward moment when you get hung up on and you continue the conversation alone to attemp to fool the other people in the room..

   The new facebook has been renamed "Facebook Inception". It has a newsfeed within a newsfeed within a newsfeed.

   Hello, I am the new Facebook Representative in your area. You can give me your check or money order for $29.99 a month for your account to stay actvie...

   Some people have thousands of friends on Facebook, then they turn off the computer and they have nobody.

   Hey Facebook.. Your new "From Earlier Today Section" Suuuucks! Its doesn't even go in the correct time! 10mins ago.. 4hrs ago.. 2hrs ago.. 8mins ago...Wtf?!

   Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.

   Why the do vegans have fake meat? "I'm morally opposed to eating meat but I want to pretend I'm eating it."

   I want you all to know, if I win the Powerball tonight.... I'm still going to show up to Facebook tomorrow.