Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most schools have renamed Tug of War to "Tug of Strength." What's next? "Tug of Everybody Wins Just By Showing Up?"

   For me to go insane would be such a slight change that I don't think anybody would notice...

   I've got to stop believing everything I think.

   Textaphrenia – thinking you've heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.

   The best selling books are cookbooks and the second are diet books. So you can learn how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

   "Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks I've consumed

   Since "nobody's perfect," I'm gonna go ahead and take the initiative...

   The toughest activity of a week starts right from Monday morning....its called "Waking Up"

   Just saw a commercial for a new show called The Unpoppables...one of the guys in the show said: "There is a thin layer of rubber between success and failure." That should be the new slogan for MTV's 16 and Pregnant...

   Ever notice how unaware people are of the world around them? No?

   looking at the "voluntary" tax contribution box on his 1040 form and wondering what planet those IRS guys are from.

   According to the segment on American Idol's "Idol Gives Back", they just showed $10 was able to purchase 90 lbs of food. Where do these people shop? I can't do that at Wal-Mart, Kroger, or any other place.

   When you put 'aspiring' in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I'm unemployed.

   I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way. Which is really the WRONG way, only faster!

   the only thing more funny then this stupid status update is that your still taking time out of your busy day to read it..

   With great power comes a great electric bill...

   Ed Hardy makes condoms now? Fine by me. I think we can all agree that anybody who buys one probably shouldn't breed.

   Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

   taking a trip to the "far side" today.. Yes.. I am going to Wal-Mart..

   I thought I was going crazy. So I went to a therapist. After half an hour, he paid me to leave. I heard that he is now seeing a therapist.