Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn't really Royalty.

   Come on, who are you going to believe? Me or the background check.

   My girlfriend told me that I'm starting to annoy her because I relate EVERYTHING to batman.....What a Joker....

   I don't always think I'm right....but whenever I think I'm wrong I tend to be mistaken.

   That dolphin tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 18, Now it looks like a used condom!

   I'd be willing to bet that the gambling addiction hotline would work better if every fifth caller was a winner.

   If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

   I wouldn't make it very long as a tattoo artist because I would always be asking "You're kidding me, right, you want that?"

   Before the Facebook, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.

   My favorite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

   I'm white, but not go to a yard sale at 7am to get all the "good stuff" white...

   What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.

   Lawyer: "You've been released!" Aaron Hernandez: "Great, so I can go home?" Lawyer: "Shìt, sorry. I mean you've been released by the Pats."

   Everyone else's plans for pretty weekends: "I'm going to the lake" "I'm hanging at the pool" "We're going to the park for a picnic" And I'm just over here like "I'm gonna eat a waffle."

   Tip for Egypt's next president: get rid of Tahrir square.

   Married sext: I'll remember to bring my Tupperware home from work today.

   I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.

   in China they are reporting that weiner has lost the erection...

   I was having breakfast at a friend's house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."

   Never take financial advice from someone that has paid for a ringtone.