Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! We have some crunchy popcorn, noisey cups of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a f*cking parrot! Now silence your cell phones.

   I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.

   What's the difference between Saturn and LeBron James? They're both big and full of gas, but at least Saturn has rings.

   you know the recession is bad when wives are having sex with their husbands cause they can't afford batteries.

   Ive created a fb group called "threesome" and invited two girls. I'm not going to say a word and just see what happens.

   ‎[Status update only available to Facebook® Gold™ account holders]

   ┏(-_-)┛┗(-_- )┓┗(-_-)┛┏(-_-)┓ EVERYDAY I'M SHUFFLIN'

   I wish some people could actually see their personality when they look in a mirror.

   Dear Facebook: Stop being like my mom and suggesting people for me to be friends with.

   we all know "watch a movie" means "I wanna be in the dark with you"

   They say a a dog is man's best friend, but I don't even have enemies that'll look me dead in the eye while taking a sh!t on my carpet.

   Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.

   to do list: 1. win powerball 2. delete Facebook account

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I'm kidding, it's her boobs.

   Opposites attract, that's the trouble with being awesome

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert

   Saw a bird crap on a Smart car. Totaled it.

   If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

   The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed..

   ever realize how similar Porsches are to porcupines? Except the porcupine has pricks on the outside....