Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In celebration of Earth Day, I went outside and stared at the ground for a little while.

   Reasons I Can Relate To Raccoons: 1) Dark circles around eyes. 2) Eats junk. 3) Small and chubby. 4) Stays up all night. 5) Cute but will fight you.

   I'm a huge fan of screaming "You're welcome" really loud when people don't say thank you...

   1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have 'lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys.

   Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount....

   Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.

   Have my doubts about this "smart water," considering how easily it's captured and bottled.

   Get in car, drive to library, park car, enter library, consult encyclopedia, get back in car, drive home. --How we Googled in the 1980's

   When I said make yourself at home I meant go wash my dishes.

   When did comedian Ron White turn into an old lesbian?

   I don't want to say I'm out of shape, but I can't even jog my memory without breaking a sweat.

   I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

   So it is being reported that a Extensive Porn Stash was found in Bin Ladens compound. So this the "Treasure Trove" they spoke of!

   A Lysol commercial just told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most.....uh oh, I think this is gonna burn....

   Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds outfit none of them will even talk to me.

   They say you can't outrun a charging bear. But really you don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun whoever you're with. That's why I only camp with slow people.

   the answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not....Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

   I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

   Lol @ the dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got c**k blocked by Visa.

   If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?