Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car....

   Yo guys. Ever see a really good looking pregnant woman, and think of how good the sex must have been?

   FYI Atheist do not have to thank anyone for Friday because Friday is a free natural phenomenon.

   Instead of the government giving out free birth control, they should issue every woman a Nancy Pelosi mask. That would work better and cost less.

   Objects in butt hole feel bigger than they appear.

   My boyfriend came home from work upset and asked me to console him, I hit him over the head with his XBox

   I've been thinking... If poison goes out of date, does it become more or less deadly?

   quit critiquing dumb ass, it is a joke.

   I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it

   I Wish 2010 Brings You 12 Months of Happiness,52 Weeks of Fun,365 Days of Success,8760 Hours of Good Health, 52600 Minutes of Good Luck and 3153600 Seconds of Joy!

   Show me a man that doesn't cheat and I'll show you a woman who minds her own business

   "Women are made to be loved, not understood."

   Having your gf/bf break up with you and saying: We can still be friends. Is like your dog dying and you mom saying: You can still keep it

   to the two men who laughingly dismissed the cute blonde walking in front of us because "she's got muffin top": SO DO YOU, you just cleverly hide your early-30s pudge in those relaxed-fit Dockers you're wearing. P.S. You are balding.

   having a threesome with aunt jemima & mrs. butterworth

   Our FedEx guy keeps delivering diapers & formula but I didn't order any. And he cries when he holds the baby. Weird, huh?

   I'm allergic to tequila, I break out in handcuffs.

   here lies an athiest all dressed up and no where to go ....epitaph on tombstone....

   I'm so British that I stick my pinki out when I masturbate

   Man this is a tough supermarket. Sign above the register says "12 items or else".