Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It doesn't matter who you vote for, what matters is who counts the votes.

   Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

   Does Facebook realize when they put us in Facebook jail, they're separating us from our families?

   People make fun of Gary Johnson for not knowing what Aleppo is...meanwhile they support a family that doesn't know the meaning of "classified" and the word "is"

   My ass and Charmin Ultra Soft is a better love story than Twilight.

   I cut the sleeves off my snuggie because it makes me look more badas$$. THUG LIFE.

   He who breaks a New Year's resolution is a weakling and he who makes one is a fool.

   Taco Bell put Fritos in a burrito. See, you can eat healthy at a fast food place.

   Dear Jennifer Hudson, I get it. You did it. Now shut up!

   whenever people ask me why I am putting on so much weight, I like to answer with,"Well, trying to grow brea$ts so I can get more likes on my status updates!"

   Hmmm,,, Where exactly is this Black Forest,, that's teeming with hams?

   thats weird?! all my mom wanted was cool whip for mothers day.

   I went to a brothel today, and learnt something new, like, what my neighbor's wife does for a living.

   Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are

   Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops.

   You know it's cold out when you see a hitch hiker with his hands in his pockets, and a big thumb on his shirt.

   a jealous woman does better research than the FBI

   Sam Adams is the only reason I know what season it is.

   Does anyone else have that brief thought of "Serial Killer" or "Monster" when they are getting in their car and drop the car keys?

   ...got my new Metallica underwear in the mail today!.. the front reads "The Shortest Straw" and on the rear "Fade to Black"