Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was so depressed last night I called a lifeline...call center was in afghanistan, I told them I was suicidal and they got all excited and ask if I could drive a truck...

   Minute of silence for the girls who lost their boyfriends/husbands to BLACK OPS.

   A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing, but do a mother.

   You're always told to “Wear something bright at night” on the TV and in magazines. Last night when I went to the shop, I wore a white hat, white coat and white trousers – I got hit by a f-kin snow plough!

   If I ever were to become a scientist, I think my first area of research would be to try to prove my theory that there is a direct correlation between stuttering and 3rd trimester vibrator use.

   I'm not feeling myself today... anyone else wanna try?

   LOL = laugh out loud ... or . . . I don't want to talk anymore

   thankful that women are always checking him out, but still thinks there should be more male cashiers.

   Don't be upset if people preferred another one to you..... its hard to convince monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas..

   Wanted: 1985 delorean with flux capasitor time travil package with 1 shot of plutonium. serious sellers only price not a issue!!

   i check every shaving cream can for dinosaur embryos.

   “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” is an awesome phrase. But it’s a horrible way to tell your kid they’re adopted.

   A Tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of the sheep!

   Do you ever get the feeling your being watched? Because if its bothering you, I'll stop...

   TMZ just reported that Stephen Hawking and Siri are now officially dating.

   I forgot Rhianna's ex-boyfriend's name...then it hit me.

   Joe Paterno has died....Now Penn State students can riot again and break more $hit.

   A woman knocked on my door collecting for a feminist organization. So I gave her some Razors.

   .... To show how generous Hillary and Bill re ..... Even though they only made $139 Million in income .... They generously donated $1,042,000 to charities! ...... $1,000,000 of which was donated to .... "The Clinton Foundation." Yup ... Very generous!

   Miss Brazil was robbed at gunpoint. According to Witnesses It was a clean snatch