Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear gas prices, I love it when you go down on me. Sincerely, pretty please?

   This status update you are reading is brought to you by your psychological addiction to Facebook. If you don't believe you are an addict, then why did you finish reading this status update......?

   Teacher: What comes after 69? Smart-a$$ Student: Mouthwash.

   The Biggest Lie Ever: "i Have Read & Agree 2 Di Terms Of Use."

   Pat Robertson is now blaming the oil spill in The Gulf of Mexico on promiscuous dinosaurs.

   My wife told me that I am immature, I said I know you are but what am I ??

   thinks copy and paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy and paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy and paste is the greatest...

   As long as there are tests,there will always be public prayers in schools.

   If you are late to special ed is it proper for the teacher to say that you are tardy?

   For fun, I cut out jack-o-lantern, put it on my head, and went into stores, asking if they sold pumpkin pie. When the startled employees said yes, I would leave the store yelling "Murderer's!" over and over again.

   old enought to know better...but young enough not to give a rats ass

   Well....looks like we got a "typical man" snow forecast....... they exaggerated about the inches and overestimated long it was going to last.

   A short list of things I seem unable to care about: vampires, shows about vampires, actors who play vampires, love lives of vampire actors.

   I can't believe America has become Fascist Country.

   Everytime this post is liked, the writer of this post gets kicked in the genitals.

   Tubman to be on the $20, there is your reparations, now shut up.

   Hillary is outraged that Republicans have started shooting potential Democrat voters at zoos

   Robin Thicke and Paula Patton are getting a divorce. I guess what rhymes with hug me is alimony

   The quickest way to a man's heart is to saw through the thoracic cage of ribs and sternum, and then penetrate the pericardium

   Pro death penalty - If you don't value other people's lives, why the hell should they value yours?