Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you fart while you're peeing on your significant other, it's called a golden thunderstorm.

   If anything should offend you about Starbucks, it's the price of their coffee.

   So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dlck on his face"

   The White House Tuesday argued "President Barack Obama's "steady diplomacy" had made America stronger and renewed its moral authority in his first year in office"..............WOW that kool aide they drink IS Powerful STUFF!!

   Witnessing such a massive destruction in Japan, and so many lives taken in seconds should make us think about how fragile we are. God have mercy on us.

   Immigration puns are funny but they cross the line.

   will be giving a live performance today...shower curtain goes up at 5 exactly so be there.

   What's the difference between a Mu$lim and a vampire? At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

   9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad, and left with my mom.

   Bath tubs - 2, Houston's - 0.

   Got a problem with me?? Solve it. Think I'm trippin'?? Tie my shoes. Can't stand me?? Sit back down. Can't face me?? Turn the hell around.

   Dear Fox News, So far no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed

   having trouble watering the plastic plants

   Cinco De Mayo, the only day Americans want to be Mexican

   So this blind man walks into a bar,,,,,,,, and a chair,, and a table.

   OK...Iraq sells oil $128 a barrel to us...Yet Iraq buys grain at $7 a bushel from us. Hmmm, solution...Sell grain at $128 a bushel. Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil... I'll bet ya the price of oil comes down real quick....

   People who say goodnight to facebook are annoying, I mean it's not like facebook is gonna reply goodnight or anything...

   I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today ... that b*tch was seeing someone else.

   Holy shi t! Serena Williams is working out at my gym! Wait...maybe it's Venus. Nope... False alarm. Just some random black guy

   Sorry Monday but it's over. I am leaving you for Tuesday, please don't be sad.....I have to look to the future....