Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.

   My favorite comedy writer is that guy that writes the assembly instructions for IKEA.......Subtle, Dark, Brilliant..

   Practice being nice, so that when you really need to be....it's not so hard.

   Nothing says "I've given up" like a fat person with a stomach tattoo.

   Kids are supposed to be so tech savvy these days but my 9-month-old just wants to lick my iPhone.

   Life has a weird way of working out if you take enough booze and drugs

   Is the whole point of the Home Depot commercials to make me feel lazy?

   In honor of Mother's Day, I'm going to subtly disapprove of everything people do today by loudly exhaling.

   The United States...311,591,917 people trying to keep it real, and 7,000 plastic surgeons trying to convince them otherwise.

   An omelet made terribly, is, at its worst, very good scrambled eggs.

   It's hangovers like this that make me wish I had a Life Alert.

   My neighbours have seen me naked more than my future wife ever will.

   So apparently my girlfriend left me for being a know-it-all. I knew that was going happen.

   Lazy rule #52... If it's more than 5 feet away...it becomes unnecessary...

   Whoever first thought it was a good idea to work for a living was a dumb douchebag.

   When I start thinking people aren't that bad, all I have to do to ressucitate the hate is go grocery shopping

   the song "100 bottles of beer on the wall"...most not be much alcohol in them if you can keep track of 100 beers you've drank

   New machine at the gym,,, Brilliant!! but I couldn't take any more after 30 mins,,,,,, It did everything: Kit-Kats, M&M's, Snickers, chips......

   Must have caught the 'Bieber fever'; Every time I hear about this pr!ck, I feel like puking.

   2nd greatest holiday gift for someone you love. The receipt.