Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I work as a waiter and love it when people ask "How do you prepare the chicken?"I always reply "We tell it straight, you gonna die

   So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius.

   I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.

   I wonder if employees for pornography sites get into trouble for looking at non-related work websites during the day. We caught you misusing company time. CNN? Amazon? Bed Bath and Beyond? We're not paying you to look at that kind of crap.

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.

   Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider's web.

   My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".

   I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

   No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan.

   At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.

   Anyone ever looked at some of the people you dated in High School that are now on Facebook and think, "Thank God, I really dodged a bullet on that ONE!?!"

   If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.

   I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

   No one ever seems to realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.

   I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   Copy this and put it in your status if you know someone or have heard of someone who knows someone. If you don't know anyone or even if you've just heard of someone who doesn't know anyone then do still copy this. It's important to spread the message...

   Breakfast was going well until that creepy new Tiger Woods commercial with his late father's voice came on... now I'm just playing with my oatmeal.

   You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!"

   I don't run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.