Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat

   If you close your eyes when you're at the gym, it sounds like you're in a porno..

   You remind me of my pinky toe. You're small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight

   Dear Facebook friend, I was so super excited to read your post about you having pork chops for dinner. It was almost as captivating as your story about taking your grandmother to the grocery store. Where do you come up with this stuff???

   Women who chase after younger men are called "Cougars" whereas men who chase after younger women are called "Men".

   Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.

   You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

   Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right

   A lie everyone tells = “Hey! I just got your text!”

   I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.

   An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem Solver

   If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.

   My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.

   Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

   Police reports released this morning state that Justin Bieber's blood contained traces of alcohol, pot and Flintstones Chewable's..

   I TOOK A DRUG TEST THE OTHER DAY AND THE TEST RESULTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WHICH MEANS MY DEALER HAS SOME F*CKING EXPLAINING TO DO...

   After reading this sentence you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second 'the'.

   Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement"