Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm fed up of people challenging my ethics and saying I don't do enough to better the world. Even my coat is recycled, It used to be a leopard

   The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..

   McDonald's in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.

   Move out of the way children i've been waiting 11 years to see toy story 3...

   Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back.

   Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.

   Holiday Recipe #64: To make the perfect holiday punch...just mix 2 bottles of ice cold Grey Goose with 10 shots of red food coloring and serve over green ice,

   The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   Dear Gas Station Owners….You're not fooling anybody, I think it's ok to get rid of the 9/10 of a penny thing…I can't ever remember saying, “ $4.00 is an OUTRAGE! But $3.99 & 9/10 is a Steal!!”

   Hey West Coast, it's the East Coast. We checked it out for you, and today isn't worth getting up for. Go ahead and sleep in.

   A morning text from me doesn't mean "good morning". It means "I'm having very dirty thoughts about you right now".

   If her bra matches her panties when she takes her clothes off, then it wasn't the guy that decided to have sex.

   I'm at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.

   North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friends list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention.

   The difference between drinking on Saint Patricks Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is... ...nobody pretends to be a Mexican.

   Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"

   Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.

   Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...