Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.

   Talk about a double standard, my 6 month old niece sneezes in someone's face and it's all "aww....how cute." I do it and suddenly it's all "what the hell is wrong with you."

   Spotify is linked with Facebook so that your friends can see what you are listening to. (God help me the day Facebook connects with Google.) : ಠ_ಠ

   Ran into a PETA nut while walking my dogs. He said my dogs were my slaves. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying their poop in a bag?

   I gotta stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me...

   Happy Earth Day. I'm doing my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.

   Oh look, it's raining outside. I think I'll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don't have a window of their own.

   There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.

   Can't wait til Feb. 15th...otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate day.

   Just imagine for a moment, if you can, a world without hypothetical situations.

   Why do hospitals need to advertise? It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead.

   I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital

   The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.

   Well, I guess these tequila shots aren't going to regret themselves

   My face hurts from making that look of concern as I pretend to listen.

   a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!

   Doing my taxes with a condom on. Figured I'm going to get screwed anyway, so why not be safe about it.

   Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.

   Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”

   Despite their name, riot police don't have much of a sense of humor.