Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just imagine for a moment, if you can, a world without hypothetical situations.

   USA & Pakistan's relationship status= It's complicated

   Doing my taxes with a condom on. Figured I'm going to get screwed anyway, so why not be safe about it.

   Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.

   Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”

   Despite their name, riot police don't have much of a sense of humor.

   I don't care what people think of me. It can't be half as bad as what I think of them...

   Well, I guess these tequila shots aren't going to regret themselves

   Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.

   My face hurts from making that look of concern as I pretend to listen.

   a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!

   Never trust a homeless guy selling homemade lemonade, just saying.

   I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.

   Adele might set fire to rain... But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.

   Let's all take a moment and be thankful spiders can't fly

   Nothing like a dysfunctional family trying to function for the Holidays.

   Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I'll never get to touch.

   Integrity is knowing that just because you can do something, it doesn't always mean that you should...

   If only the Olympics had an event that involved falling down and not spilling your drink...

   Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day!!!