Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks. And now we wait....

   Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.

   my anger management class pisses me off..

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus."

   Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.

   Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.

   wonders why the Trojan condom is named after the Trojan horse? Isn't that the horse that penetrated the roman walls then broke open spilling hundreds of men into the city?

   Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.

   I think that if I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, for the irony.

   Holiday Recipe #64: To make the perfect holiday punch...just mix 2 bottles of ice cold Grey Goose with 10 shots of red food coloring and serve over green ice,

   The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   Dear Gas Station Owners….You're not fooling anybody, I think it's ok to get rid of the 9/10 of a penny thing…I can't ever remember saying, “ $4.00 is an OUTRAGE! But $3.99 & 9/10 is a Steal!!”

   Hey West Coast, it's the East Coast. We checked it out for you, and today isn't worth getting up for. Go ahead and sleep in.

   Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.

   The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..

   McDonald's in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.

   Move out of the way children i've been waiting 11 years to see toy story 3...

   I had a philosophy class where the only question on the final was he put his chair on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Prove to me this chair doesn't exist". I got an A because I had the best answer. I just wrote down, "What chair?". Worked like a charm

   How do you make a bunch of old ladies say "F*CK!". Shout "BINGO!".

   using a public restroom today and as I looked at the "posts" on the bathroom walls and the responses to each one, I realized where the idea for FB came from...