Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first person that falls asleep at my parties doesn't get written on or their hand in warm water. They get the phone numbers of their girlfriend and ex-girlfriend switched in their cell phone.

   I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to

   Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house.

   If you don't have a watch,, The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.

   I used to think Adam Sandler is funny, but then I turned 10.

   The "Other" mailbox folder is apparently facebook's version of "Local singles are waiting to meet you."

   Running into your therapist at the liquor store is therapeutic.

   Loosing a wife can be difficult, and in some cases impossible!

   I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

   I really love my new tattoo. "No pain, no g"

   I haven't seen a call like that since Leslie Neilson was the ump in Naked Gun.

   when I run out of toilet paper i'll awkwardly sit there and hope the toilet paper gods on his way

   The most romantic thing I've ever done is get a girl's name tattooed on my grandpa.

   A man overdosed on erectile dysfunction medication one night. He went out the hard way.

   I'm getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.

   two types of woman out there on valentines day...those who just want a hallmark card...and those who want you to max out your visa card...

   A rhinoceros walks into a bar wearing a top hat and orders six Jägerbombs and...you should be ashamed of yourself for expecting a punchline. It's obvious this rhinoceros needs help.

   Who needs beer goggles - I've got vodka binoculars.

   alcohol and drugs is not the answer...unless you're asking what I'm doing this weekend.

   I feel like my dogs version of porn is watching me eat chicken.