Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You try to teach a kid not to steal, but every once in a while they come back with something you really want. Now I have a back scratcher.

   I propose a variation of "Punch Buggy" called "Too Old for a Stroller". When you see a 7 y/o being carted down the street, slug the parent.

   Women have mysterious ability of communication..........They listen half.Understand quarter & can tell DOUBLE.

   Ladies remember: Being honest and direct doesn't make you a B*tch. It makes you the Realest B*tch no-one dares to mess with.

   Admits he chooses a Presidedntial Canidate on the basis that they resemble someone on the cast of Saturday Nite Live.

   Let's see how long I can hold your breath under water.

   The moment of panic when the traffic light turns yellow and your mind instantly screams, "Can I make it?!".

   The first time I saw my ex in a thong I had to pay a cover charge....to see that same thong on her today, I would have to pay a surgeon!!

   A recent study says that weight loss dramatically boosts men's sexual health. So start hitting the gym, ladies.

   No officer, I'm not BRIBING you. I'm TIPPING you, for your excellent service to this community."

   I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see my Ex again

   I use my cell phone as backlighting at night when I flip someone off so they can better see my finger.

   my girlfriend dresses to kill .Coincidentally , she also cooks the same way.

   Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.

   Hey people tin high-crime neighborhoods; How's that "Snitches get stitches" mantra working for you?

   I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I'm not sure whether to believe this or not.

   I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

   "Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy.

   "You da bomb! No you da bomb!" -A compliment in America; an argument in Syria.

   People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.