Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fortune Cookie: "Your life will be happy and peaceful." Dear Cookie: What drugs are you on? We should share.

   Its Couples Week! Copy And Paste This With the Date When You Got Together! Well, since I'm single I think I'll just go have casual, no strings attached sex and not have deal with remembering about the date of it.

   ...this year in California, the most popular Halloween mask is Arnold Schwartzenegger. The great thing about it is: with a mouthful of candy, you'll sound just like him!

   Jerry springer say's, "The difference between his guests and politicians are the number of their teeth."

   To save time, let's just assume I know everything.

   pretty sure he knows folks who stood in line for second helpings of 'special kind of stupid'.

   I bet the zodiac killers brain is about to explode.

   Hey. You in the camouflage outfit. I can see you.

   I thought I suffered from low self-esteem. Turns out, I suffer from accurate self-esteem.

   Cinco De Mayo is just like St. Patrick's Day, except with tequila.

   I'm a leader not a follower! Unless its a dark place, then F that, you're going first!

   My quest for greatness has turned into a blind fumble for ok.

   Women are having sex? Oh geez, I need to tell my wife.

   It's like my boss doesn't even appreciate that I'm not drinking on the job right now.

   I just put cheese spread on a Cheez-It and now I understand quantum physics.

   No Hulu, no ads are relevant to me, because I lack the funds to have any purchasing power whatsoever.

   I believe if a tree and a woman fall in the woods....the woman still makes the noise!!

   My relationship with my first wife was very psychological...she's psycho and I'm logical.....

   Moving-on is like drinking a cough syrup, it tastes horrible but it's good for you.

   Tesco Quarter Pounders: The new affordable way to buy your daughter the pony she's always wanted !!!!