Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

   always keep your words soft and sweet... just in case you have to eat them..

   I'll judge your whiteness based on your reaction when Jump Around comes on.

   i wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There's ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....

   I dont know who is more pathetic, the idiot who opens and runs a celebrity parody twitter account or the idiots who follows and re-tweets thinking its the real celebrity.

   if a drug commercial spends 15 seconds on the drug and 45 seconds on the side effects, I'd avoid that one...

   Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.

   I'm hiding all my porn on VHS. Even if my kids find it, they won't know what to do with it.

   In high school I tried using anonymous sources instead of real citations. This was not allowed, because I was a ninth grader and not a journalist.

   Do you even know what the word "impeach" means? Hint: It does NOT mean getting kicked out of office.

   Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

   Once again, I'm a distant runner-up for TIME magazine's 'Person Of The Year'. I'm beginning to think it's rigged...

   If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons

   I refuse to go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

   I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

   Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.

   Jordanian pilot Moaz al-Kasasbeh showed no fear on the face of death, not like them face covering isis pussies.

   Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends

   ■The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing