Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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There's a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it's usually a prescription. 
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "facial" is used.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it's on.
I wish "you dumbass" was an appropriate way to end a work email
Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
I hope all you moms out there had a great Mother's Day! (If you're not a mom but would like to be, message me for details)
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and wave.
After 4 crappy cruises,Carnival Cruise Lines should just change their slogan to "Still better than the Titanic!!!"
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
With great power comes a great electric bill
I have just painted a blue square on the garden to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!
Well that's a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I'm doing
If steroids and other performance enhancing drugs are illegal for athletes, shouldn't Photoshop be illegal for models?
NEW FACEBOOK GAME: Message me your bank account or credit card number & I will post which bill I paid with it, as my status.
It's a good thing I'm not a cellar-master for a winery, because I'd be terrible at my job. "This wine is going to taste so good in like 6 years...or, we could pop this b*tch open right now..." 