Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Netflix should probably just start asking "Is there someone I should call?"

   Dear problems..plz gimme a discount..I'm your regular customer

   "Better to be the worst of the best, than the best of the worst."

   Saying “just kidding” is a way to tell the truth without getting punched in the face.

   If you leave a cupcake out long enough, it just becomes a cookie

   There is strength in loyalty; not in numbers.

   If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

   . A Hypochondriac is a person who can't leave well enough alone.

   Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...

   The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.

   Claiming a product promotes "Weight Loss" when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming that it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.

   Every office should have a Parliament mode, when you don't wanna work, start shouting and go home

   Unless he releases a men’s fragrance, I think Elon Musk should be ordered to legally change his name.

   I am now at the age that I understand the joy on game shows when someone wins new kitchen appliances

   My bachelor pad is lacking a sofa now that Mom wants her Caravan’s third row seating back.

   Rumor has it there's a Tesla floating out in space somewhere. Finders keepers!!!

   I'm kinda glad that dinosaurs are extinct cause I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few beers.

   If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator?

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.