Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When they hand me my napkins at the drive thru, I reach for them, while pretending to masturbate, and shout "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

   Capital punishment shouldn't even be a debate. You deserve to be put to death if you take a life.

   There are two things I cannot stand: racism and asians

   38 years old and still doesn't need glasses . . . I just drink straight out of the bottle!

   doing nothing worth mentioning on facebook.

   Imagine how much fun women in burkas must have tagging each other on Facebook.

   When I see people outside, smoking in freezing temperatures, it makes me wonder what else I can get them to do.

   I cheered for the Bears, they lost. I cheered for the Jets, they lost. I'm going to start cheering for al-Qaeda.

   So an eleven year old boy managed to travel all the way to Rome by himself? He must be very brave going that close to the Vatican...

   Glad to see no horses kneeled for the national anthem during the kentucky derby

   I want to start my own icecream brand and call it "Lick Me Till". Lick me till ice cream...

   My girlfriend asked me what I would do if she were to die. I told her I'd probably do 25 to life.

   Dont smoke...there are cooler ways to die.

   When exactly in Earth's history did the climate not "change"?

   This new season of Ferguson is a Riot.

   Will Joan Rivers be buried or recycled?

   Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new

   Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

   According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty...

   Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We'll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.