Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One Cup Of Coffee, A Dash Of Milk, and A Half Pound Of Sugar! Thats How I Roll!

   Girl was laughing when she saw my lil wee wee...You should have saw her face when I said GO GO GADGET

   believes the rooster came first.

   "ThInKs If you wRiTe like DiS" You need to go back to myspace. Its annoying. Grow up.

   Knows that excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first making the brain a faster more efficient machine. This is why I drink!

   Don't call me sugar, call me Splenda. I'm artificially sweet.

   I gave Mr. Potato Head some weed.Before I knew it,he was baked.

   So I just went shopping for a night stand. the chick tried to sell me two. I was like I only need one . She didnt get it. So I asked her out.

   Im Not The Girl Ur Mother Warned you About,,, Her Imagination Was Never This Good ;)

   thinks if adam and eve were chinese they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple!

   would like to say on this last day of Winter. Winter, Kiss my Mother F*#$ing A$$ and DON'T HURRY BACK!!!

   Just made my very own holiday fruitcake. It wasn't that difficult. All you need are some twinkies and some skittles.

   Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

   wonders why dogs run to the door when someone knocks? It's never for them.

   If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

   All I want in this world is some one I can turn to and yell, "Avenge Me!!" if I'm dying or wrongly accused of a crime. Oh and rocket shoes

   A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.

   I may be addicted to brake fluid but I can stop at any time.

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. She has 5 fingers and the middle one's for you.

   Marriage is like a casino... You go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.