Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

   Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

   Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.

   I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got !"

   I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

   Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

   Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.

   I'm terrified when I hear something was made with "secret sauce."

   Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

   Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

   Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

   This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

   Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

   DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.

   I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

   Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

   If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

   Some dance to remember, some dance to forget, some dance because the swamp witch’s curse compels them to, and you can usually pick those ones out right away

   October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

   Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?