Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's a given that whatever hits the fan is never distributed evenly.

   finds himself dating high maintenance women. I'm not sure why - I think because I hate money. Its as though I check out my checking account, and I say: Oh, that's just too much. I need to make an investment that's going nowhere, fast!

   Guys do a pretty good impression of a meerkat whenever a pretty girl walks into a crowded bar.

   Love is like a game, Some people Cheat and some prefer to play it fair.

   Does complaining count as protesting? Cause if so, I'm now a two-time winner of this Time Person of the Year thing.

   It's Hard for me to catch feelings, and Easy for me to lose them.

   You cannot taste me until you undress me. Sincerely , Banana

   Swallow it dammit, it's good for you - Your Pride

   I like my women like I like my chemistry… hard to understand and capable of blowing up at any time.

   This photo booth is always out of toilet paper.

   Are there any other animals besides humans who communicate unnecessarily?

   just heard Anderson Cooper announced he's gay. Don't worry ladies, you still have a shot at Lou Dobbs.

   How many of you are household pets reading this while your owners nap?

   i went on a pleasure trip this morning. I took my mother in law back to the airport.

   Its funny how head and shoulders becomes head, shoulders, knees and toes, when I run out of body wash.

   7/9 = No bra day! Who is responsible for failing to send me the memo? My day could've been a whole lot brighter

   Carry yourself like a queen and you will attract a king! Carry yourself like a hoe, and see how far you will go.

   If your body is a temple, I have a confession to make.

   My advice to Charlie Brown or any kid who wants more friends; don't tell people your dog is a WWI flying ace

   This woman at work is trying to get me fired, for giving her inappropriate massages at the office. I said “good luck with that, I don't even work here”