Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.

   Hmmm I'm going to pick up a Nicki Minaj album and listen to it for it's richness in pop culture and it's intelligent coherent lyrics..............said no one ever...

   I just found out that all the people who say "You haven't changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)

   Looks like Chris Brown faked his community service. Guess he's trying to beat the system too.

   I don't make annoying passive aggressive statuses, unlike some people I know.

   If you love someone let them go, if they come back..... YOU leave, so that the "bleep" knows what it feels like. :)

   Pollen: Natures way of blowing a load all over everything. Happy Spring!

   Some days I hate getting up for work, but then I think oh well, only another 40 years to go, and that always cheers me up.

   Eventually we'll have to explain to our grandchildren how we allowed Gangnam Style to become the most watched video and it won't be easy.

   You're not damaged goods, but there is a clearance sticker on your back

   I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women's restroom.

   I want to pause for a moment to remember all my friends that gave a life in Candy Crush Saga. Your sacrifice has not gone unnoticed

   Five. Five dollar. Five dollar (and thirty five cents sales tax) footlong.

   The Subaru Impreza comes with 11 airbags....maybe it would be easier if all cars were just made by nerf

   You're supposed to wash arugula before throwing it away,, right?

   Ahh Instagram,,,, Makes me wish I'd thought of cropping pictures into a square and applying Photoshop filters from 1998....

   The worst part about getting a monogrammed sweater for Christmas is having to find someone with your initials to regift the thing to

   Until I get a good woman, I have beer. Then after I get a good woman I will have her and beer.

   karma (noun) –when you use all the toilet paper without replacing it and you're the next person to use the restroom.

   Sometimes when a person suddenly has a problem with you, just think the issue isn't really you, it's their meds.