Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This stupid farmers market doesn't have any locally grown pizza.

   thankful for all the god given breasts that he put on so many beautiful woman.

   They should really make stomach medicines taste better, cause the last thing I want to swallow when I'm sick is something chalky and ass flavored.

   Just decked the halls. Let that be a warning to halls everywhere.

   Sometimes I take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car.

   I have more money now than I did when I went out last night. Which means I exchanged goods and/or services while drunk. Not good.

   Don't underestimate me, That's my family's job.

   I've found the ultimate troll. Not only did he steal my status, but he corrected my punctuation.

   Person just said they can't wait for technology to beamed them cross country instead of flying. I see it now Error 404 "Passenger Not Found"

   I hardly know you... but, Facebook says it's your birthday, so happy birthday!

   A study found alcohol makes men better at problem solving, which is good news unless your problem is alcoholism.

   Junk- something you keep for years so you can throw it away three weeks before you need it.

   A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, a crab with a whale as a daughter, The creators of SPONGEBOB were obviously high.

   Money is not a problem. The problem is I don't have Money.

   You'd think that after a while, Scooby and Shaggy would stop being such pu$sies when they see a ghost or something. They should know it's just someone in a costume.

   The festive hustle and bustle of the holiday season sure does bring out the best in no one.

   If You need me, I'll call You.

   Hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from your parents' lofty expectations?

   Her: “I'm overweight, my boobs sag, I have wrinkles and my hair is turning gray… Compliment me so I'll feel better.” Him: “There's nothing wrong with your eyesight!”

   They need to make a breathalyzer app for my phone... After 10pm, I'm usually above the legal limit to text message.