Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As confused as an atheist who's stuck behind a car that isn't moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love God

   Just because you're a perfectionist doesn't mean you're perfect.You might be a neurotic perfectionist.

   Dear Ladies: Smiles are more attractive than duckfaces. Keep that in mind when you're editing your dating profile.

   Ladies: Nothing says "B*tch Don't F*ck With Me" more than, tucking your tampon behind your ear like a cigarette.

   If video games have taught me anything, it's that you'll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.

   People at work often call me a miracle worker because its a miracle getting me to do some work.

   We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than a fat person.

   I have been looking since 1986, and I still haven't found a highway to a danger zone.

   When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think “They’re killing my family, and I’ll have to fight the attacker naked…”

   Seriously! Just watched a deer look both ways before crossing a road. Isolated incident or beginning of a much welcomed change in behavior?

   If you say "cash money" around me, Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts",,,,,,,,,,,,,See how stupid that sounds?

   You had me at, "Hello." You lost me at, "I have a cat."

   Yes Grandma, I'm almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq

   When someone says "be honest" what they really mean is: lie to me, but be as convincing as possible.

   Nothing is more beautiful than a smile that bursts through tears.

   A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.

   I'm interested to find out what the police have Oscar Pistorius’s height listed as.

   I would have a lot more sex if it weren’t so expensive.

   just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair.

   if you're absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success.