Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would take a bullet for u.. Not a real one mind you. But a Coors Light for sure.

   In his last act of terrorism, Osama Bin Laden is blowing up my facebook newsfeed.

   I love watching two girls meet for the first time. Its easily the fakest thing I have ever seen.

   Judging off of the taste of Special K cereal, I can only imagine how terrible Normal K cereal must taste.

   If one more teenager uses the term 'Back in the day'...I swear I'm gonna smack the Cr@p out of them with a floppy disk and choke them with my Members Only jacket!!!

   If you're going to get all religious on me, I will post college pictures of you drunk...

   After all these years together my wife and I have finally reach the S & M phase of our relationship,,,,,,,,,She Sleeps while I Masturbate.

   Just did my morning run!! (from the bed to the bathroom) I feel so invigorated.

   Black friday: because only in America people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have

   Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood ... In 2011: he died of hunger.

   If people could read my mind I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   OH NO! It is January and cold outside. Has the world gone mad?

   An Alligator bit off an 81 year old women's arm in Florida, I guess 81years without getting your arm bitten off is a pretty good effort...

   I thought about shaving my legs today but what's the point? I'm not gonna wear a dress and I'm not having sex, so hairy legs it is :D

   I'll admit. Asians are so bad at driving I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

   Dear Doctor Phil, I was wacking off, looking out our bathroom window at the neighbor lady sunbathing topless. And seen my wife watching me with her arms crossed and giving me a dirty look...My question is, Is she perverted?

   Laughing for 10 minutes adds 1 day to your life. Follow me and you'll live forever!

   My wife is sick. My daughter won't sleep. Money's tight. If my car doesn't start in the morning, I'll have a country song.

   Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone without asking first

   i am always right, never wrong, one time I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong...