Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   Match.com. #1 in dates, marriages, divorces and restraining orders...

   When I hear someone complain that their towns are boring with nothing to do, all I hear is a boring person who doesn't know how to have fun.

   Why is it when you go to the bank and ask for a loan the first thing you have to do is prove that you don't need it?

   I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.

   Beto is like the guy that gets cut from the High School football team and says now he's going to join the NFL

   Keep the smile, leave the tear, think of joy, forget the fear… hold the laugh, leave the pain, be joyous, coz it's New Years! HAPPY NEW YEAR! ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

   I tYp3 LyK tHi5 cuz i'm cool, No..you type like that because you failed English Now go to preschool and ‘Type like this.'

   welcomes you to her profile. Straight jackets are by the wall, meds are in the boxes. Enjoy your stay, and please visit again!

   Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

   I think NASCAR would be fun if they added a 92-year old driving the opposite way in a Duster.

   "America's Got Talent" should be renamed "America's Got Weirdos".

   Comparing Journey to Justin Beiber is like comparing the finest wine to pee.

   "Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.

   Life is 10% of what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it!

   loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.

   ....hello, fun? It's me... yea...I was wondering if you could stop by for a while. Yea, my friends and I really miss you. See you soon?

   Whats the purpose of a camouflage Snuggie? Do you plan on eating popcorn while watching TV in the deep woods anytime soon?

   You give new meaning to the saying "Beaten with an Ugly Stick," it looks more like you were smashed by the whole damn forest.

   You hold a door open for an old lady and you're a hero. You smell her hair as she walks past and suddenly you're a pervert.