Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

   My new hobby is Ice Sculpting... yesterday I made a cube

   I don't smoke pot. But hang with people who do. They have great snack ideas, and if you're broke, it is a good group to hang out with for a free meal. If all they're stoned, just start talking about pizza, or fried chicken. Snack time!

   I thought I had an STD but the doctor said it was just rust.

   There would be a lot less litter in the world if we just sharpened the walking sticks for the blind.

   It takes a big man to cry, it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man

   Typical Saturday Morning: Who's bed is this and where are my pants?

   If you hit your girlfriend's best friend with a car, apparently, "I banged your best friend" is the wrong way to inform her.

   I just realized I can make 50 funny faces at my boss in less than 30 seconds while the elevator door closes. Anyway, got fired.

   Police call it "reckless driving", we call it "skills

   The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

   I haven't had sex my wife in a year and she's 6 weeks pregnant. Take that people that don't believe in miracles.

   Breaking news: future editions of Monopoly will feature interchangable spaces for what are now Income Tax and Luxury Tax. Players will have the option to choose from the words "Tax," "Penalty," or "Fine," because, clearly, words no longer have meanings

   The things I've seen while hiding in someone's closet are shocking sometimes... there are some sick people out there.

   When I'm a millionare, I'm hiring someone whose only job is to stand at the top of a stairwell and high-five me when I get to the top.

   Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.

   My New Year's resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.

   This kid at my nephew's birthday party sh!t his pants and got to go home. I'm seriously considering this option.

   I could scroll down my Facebook newsfeed and write a country song!!

   When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?