Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.

   Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning........ People only notice it because it's annoying.

   In these economic hard times, I always do what it takes to get my money's worth. Like yesterday. I went to the Dental Hygienist and ate a box of Oreos in the waiting room before going in.

   PSY does the gangnam style dance so much...don't you think he should've lost some weight by now?

   The most annoying sound = When a fly comes into your house and gets stuck in between the window and the blinds.

   Don't stare at me during sex! I don't know you!

   I have no sympathy for amateurs who make sex tapes or take nude pics of themselves and cry “invasion of privacy” when they fail to safeguard them and they leak to the media and public.

   It's not stalking if I shift my binoculars from your bedroom windows to the birds that are on your roof every 4 hours. That's bird watching

   Went for a job interview! The Boss looked over my resume' and says''For someone with absolutely no experience you sure are asking for a high salary!'' I said ''Well, Du'h...everyone knows the less you know the harder you have to work!!!''

   More often than not, my feelings can be summed up with a simple "feh."

   Why in the heck are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?

   Ah yes, Friday. Wha...What was that? Saw it out of the corner of my eye. There, behind the...I just saw it duck down. There it is again disappearing just as I almost get a glimpse of it. MONDAY! I KNOW IT'S YOU, YOU BA$TARD!

   You know what really upsets me? When a stranger on the internet isn't satisfied with the entertainment I provide him for free. It hurts. :(

   Apparently evolution decided tails were useless, but nipples on men made sense.

   My whole life flashes in front of me when I hear the words ‘We need to talk'.

   if you come to my house for Halloween don't be surprised if you see a couple of scary goblins....I sometimes forget to button my housecoat.

   Another night alone,,,,,,,,I wish I was from Nantucket!!!

   The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.

   I'm a good idea in theory.

   Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.