Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jessica Simpson has already taught her daughter everything she knows.

   My wife was absolutely furious when she discovered I had untagged myself from some photos she put on Facebook. I said, "They were really embarrassing!" "Embarrassing???" She screamed, "It was our f*cking wedding day you b@stard!"

   just opened an envelope with one of those 'glittery' Christmas cards inside, it looks like a unicorn just jizzed in my lap

   The cashier is telling me to "have a nice day," but judging by her tone she wants me to "die in a tire fire."

   My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

   BREAKING NEWS: New iPad Will Do Same Sh*t other iPads Already Do!

   My magic watch say's you don't have any underwear on... Oh, you do?... It must be 15 minutes fast.

   I got fired from my job at Walmart, because every time a woman bought batteries, I winked and told them "I know what these are for!" Whatever.

   in other news, Rihanna was hospitalized earlier after an American Airlines Boeign 747 accidentally landed on her forehead...

   I broke a mirror in my house, I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   having a threesome with Ben and Jerry

   Huh?! Me fail english? UNPOSSIBLE!!

   Have you ever just wanted to kick someone and scream "THIS IS SPARTA!!!"

   If God had wanted you to talk more than listen, he would have given you two mouths and one ear.

   When people stutter I have a really bad urge to shout "REMIX!"

   It's completely pointless when someone says "don't forget to save room for cake." There's always room for cake. Always.

   The Running Man may no longer be a trendy dance move but it's still a totally great way to get out of a boring conversation.

   8 year olds today have Facebooks, twitter, phones, ipods. When I was there age, I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk, and imagination.

   moving to Sweden where all the guys are smart enough to realize brunettes are way hotter than blondes

   8yrs ago my wife decided to keep me when nobody else would. I bet she regrets that at least every other day. I definitely got the better half of the deal. Happy Anniversary Honey. Love you lots. And a special thanks to you, Facebook for reminding me;)