Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm updating my resume and I need your opinion. Which is a more marketable skill: Awesome high fives or mad rock paper scissors skills?

   who decided that paper beats rock? Next time I hear someone say that I want them to hold up a sheet of paper and let me throw a rock at them

   just seen two homeless people kissing so I screamed "Get a box!!"

   standing on his front lawn with his pants down waiting for Google Earth to come by and take his picture...

   not a stalker, I'm just bad with goodbyes.

   so....I've decided I'm going to write the first Gangsta Rap adaptation of Winnie-The-Pooh....I'm gonna call it 'Tigga Please'....

   in support same sex marriages. Can you imagine how awesome Gay Divorce Court will be!!!!

   Ladies stop wearing them pajama pants and them dirty Uggs!!

   Jessica Simpson has already taught her daughter everything she knows.

   My wife was absolutely furious when she discovered I had untagged myself from some photos she put on Facebook. I said, "They were really embarrassing!" "Embarrassing???" She screamed, "It was our f*cking wedding day you b@stard!"

   The cashier is telling me to "have a nice day," but judging by her tone she wants me to "die in a tire fire."

   My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

   BREAKING NEWS: New iPad Will Do Same Sh*t other iPads Already Do!

   My magic watch say's you don't have any underwear on... Oh, you do?... It must be 15 minutes fast.

   I got fired from my job at Walmart, because every time a woman bought batteries, I winked and told them "I know what these are for!" Whatever.

   in other news, Rihanna was hospitalized earlier after an American Airlines Boeign 747 accidentally landed on her forehead...

   just opened an envelope with one of those 'glittery' Christmas cards inside, it looks like a unicorn just jizzed in my lap

   I broke a mirror in my house, I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   having a threesome with Ben and Jerry

   Huh?! Me fail english? UNPOSSIBLE!!