Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you get your information from Oprah, don't talk to me

   come to the conclusion, after visiting her grandparents, that she is moving into a retirement home.. they have chairs in the shower and the toilets have arm rests!!! Can anyone say..SWEET!!!

   just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.

   I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses.

   These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian royalty to share huge sums of money with strangers...

   guys can go 5 years without seeing eachother and reunite with a handshake and small talk...girls can't go 5 minutes without seeing eachother and reuinite with screaming, jumping around, and hugs...

   9 1/2 months from now there are gonna be a lot of babies born...suckers.

   embarrassed the world didn't end today. Now I'm awkwardly sitting at my desk without pants...

   we only have 1 day left to make kony 2012 happen

   I hate it when I'm being taken seriously at the wrong time.

   I've stocked up on extra batteries for valentines day.

   If you see a white guy in a sombrero passed out in the gutter today please make sure I still have a pulse.

   It's fun to go up to a dude with a teardrop tattoo and call him a crybaby.

   I disagree, but I respect your right to be stupid.!

   If at first you don't succeed, lie and say you did.

   There is no way in hell anyone could ever convince me that men with ponytails own a mirror.

   You can't say happiness without saying penis. Coincidence ? I think NOT...

   They should make untangling headphones an olympic sport.

   You can usually tell which people dressed as mascots on the side of the road are only doing it for the money.

   The way my luck is going I wouldn't get laid in a womens prison with a carton of Malboros under my arm