Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will abide by every single law and regulation while driving...not because I'm a good driver, but because there's a COP behind me.

   Out voted 1-1 by my wife again....

   Don't flatter yourself, some people will "LIKE' anything just to get into your pants.

   Someday, I'll be as rich as the Clinton's were when they said they were broke.

   Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar and now The martian. How much money does America have to spend to keep saving Matt Damon's ass?

   Yes, I saved my old beeper. If that technology comes back around I don't want to be paying $20 for a new one.

   She preaches, "It's what on the inside that matters." But then go on to post 20 selfies per day.

   No Jamies Winston, FSU does NOT stand for Free Seafood University

   Well done, you are popular on Social Media. Sorry about the rest of your life.

   I think Ciabatta is just Italian for stale.

   What do we want? A CURE FOR PARANOIA When do we want it? WHO WANTS TO KNOW

   Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

   Kanye West is 53 million in debt...I heard Taylor Swift has started a go fu%# yourself account...

   Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn't" you can rest assured that he did.

   Don't know how you got your head that far up your ass with your foot in your mouth, but damn thats impressive.

   I guess you could say it's my own fault for ignoring the words "directed by Tyler Perry"

   Feeding my daughter cold pizza. She will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.

   Lisa in Accounts suggested we play Xmas music in the office. Long story short, she left early due to food poisoning.

   Charles Manson was going to get married. He's 80 years old, and serving a life sentence in prison. Well, the marriage is off. And today I saw that his profile was back on eHarmony

   Just texted my wife "goodnight sweetheart, I love you" but accidentaly sent it to my boss, which is awkward because he likes to hold my hand in meetings.