Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The hardest part of growing old is watching my kids grow old...

   It's a lot easier to get over someone when you realize that you shouldn't have been underneath them in the first place.

   Boys make excuses. Men make changes!

   You should see how fast I can go from hardcore gangsta to Irish folk singer when my ipod jumps from Jay-Z to The Swell Season.

   doesn't wish anyone harm but wouldn't be upset if Justin Bieber was kicked in the head by a donkey.

   I refuse to believe there's enough happiness in the world to justify anyone sticking magnetic daisies on their car.

   Oprah embraces her half sister & brings her into the family. Tomorrow, I will be showing up as long lost brother - JD Winfrey

   Everyone's suitcases all look the same. That's why I always pack my stuff in a treasure chest.

   Life Lesson number 1, There is a time each month when a man would rather face death in a 20ft snow drift than spend a day with his significant other. Thank god for 4 wheel drive

   Its not the snow, its the shoveling that will get ya.

   If I had Two cookies I'd give you one, If I had two guys I'd give you the other cookie

   When I say I'm fine it doesn't always mean I'm fine, but what it does mean is leave me the hell alone

   I will abide by every single law and regulation while driving...not because I'm a good driver, but because there's a COP behind me.

   Out voted 1-1 by my wife again....

   Don't flatter yourself, some people will "LIKE' anything just to get into your pants.

   Someday, I'll be as rich as the Clinton's were when they said they were broke.

   Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar and now The martian. How much money does America have to spend to keep saving Matt Damon's ass?

   Yes, I saved my old beeper. If that technology comes back around I don't want to be paying $20 for a new one.

   She preaches, "It's what on the inside that matters." But then go on to post 20 selfies per day.

   No Jamies Winston, FSU does NOT stand for Free Seafood University