Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that." - Life

   I hate people who keep whining over their pointless self-created, self-inflicted and never-ending drama.

   The last time I touched a nice ass was when my hand went through the toilet paper

   Using a cellphone in 90's: "he's prob a drug dealer" Using a payphone today: "he's prob a drug dealer"

   You had me at "I can't have children."

   Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth

   I wonder how many people's phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"

   Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on, and not to be covered in Baby Oil!!

   Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....

   The irony that some of the ugliest people in the world come in the prettiest packaging

   Everthing will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, then it's not the end

   My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or if I'm at Wal-Mart

   Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses....

   It's funny how I'm afraid of losing you when your not even mine

   Turning an ordinary salad into a 7000-calorie cholesterol bomb is my superpower.

   Sometimes I worry my posts are too cerebrle... cerabrall... cerrebrel...

   Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.

   Just when I thought there was hope for humanity, I walked into Walmart. We're all doomed.

   Hardest thing ever? Controlling your laughter at serious times