Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day the mail man is going to murder my family and the dog is going to be like, "Haha... who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"

   My Shark Week lights are still up from last year.

   Does anyone know where I can get more Lite Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my will.

   Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa's lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.

   Fun party hosting tip: Put dozens of extra coats on the bed. When guests ask where everyone else is, laugh maniacally & change the subject.

   You carry yourself like someone with a much higher credit rating.

   "But why?" - Me at weddings

   It's funny how "You're so funny" turns into "You think everything's a joke" in just 3 months...

   Just a reminder that no Canadian team has won the Stanley Cup since they force Nickleback on the world.

   Does the name “Quasimodo” ring a bell?

   Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

   If LaBron is really serious about winning he would sign with the Harlem Globetrotters

   I have a beard and tattoos why are you still wearing panties? Yes, I want fries. No, I don't want a receipt. Stop changing the subject.

   ask me what I like about you, 15 drinks from now .

   Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.

   thinks that calling some people "white trash" is an insult to styrofoam.

   Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back

   To sum up: yes, I cried like a baby during Toy Story 3, even more than I did at the end of The Human Centipede.

   Happy birthday Dora the explorer now we can get you a GPS

   The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.