Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eagles give Vick $100M, 6-year contract. That is $700M, 42-year contract in dog years...

   If you're only interested in me when I'm ignoring you, I'm about to become irresistible.

   The problem with you is that you damn exist.

   Lesson Of The Day: Watch who you eat ribs with.

   If you see someone using a payphone, there is a 97% chance you can buy drugs from them.

   'What would I do without you?' is such a stupid question to ask. Because all I need to do is what I was doing before you came along and complicated my existence.

   Hold boobs not grudges.

   Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.

   I could be nice... but I hear the operation is expensive.

   I can see you're upset. Maybe you should post more about it on Facebook. That should elimnate any more drama.

   Life is ironic. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes..

   As my car slowly filled with water, the last thing I would hear was the calm measured voice of my GPS, "Recalculating route."

   You don't have to be Crazy to be my friend!........But it sure helps!

   Nothing angers me more than a prematurely broken shell in my Taco Kit

   I want to cover you in expensive things...like gasoline.

   To my opponent in songpop that keeps selecting "Classic R&B"... no one likes you.

   I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.

   Facebook sure is quiet this morning....wonder why.

   It's really kind of sad we live in a country where we are the most entertained, yet the less informed.

   men insult their friends but don't really mean it. Women compliment their friends but don't really mean it...