Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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March 4th, the only day of the year that actually tells you to go do something. 
So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels?
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Now that the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas if they get more than 21 points in a game they automatically lose
Your 6 yo has a $800 phone? Cool. When I was 6 I was begging my mom to buy me the click-pen that had 4 colors.
I cook, clean, and run errands because I know I can't compete with a vibrator.
I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.
If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears. I mean, hey, you never know....
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Dog farts smell worse than human farts because they've been in there seven times longer.
This is what happens when you let the generation that invented words like BAE, YOLO and FLEEK vote.
Has anyone tried the new Trump APP its like Pokemon but instead your looking for Mexican's..
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....
There should be a fourth option when voting for a president. It should be NONE OF THE ABOVE. If "NONE OF THE ABOVE" wins majority vote, all candidates should be disqualified and we have a do-over
No matter what you think about Hillary's condition, I think we can all agree that pneumonia shouldn't start with a 'p'.
A new poll says 74 percent of Americans will hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. While the other 26 percent plan to spend three hours hiding in the living room with the lights out.
Gee-Whiz ... I have heard worse words coming out the mouths of Rappers that party at the Whitehouse.
DonaldTrump is doing one mean Alec Baldwin impression tonight.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes. 