Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you fear rejection, get a job trying to hand out free samples at the mall food court, problem solved!

   women who dont wear underwear never get their panties in a bunch

   I never make fun of kids for having imaginary friends because my imaginary dad would say "Knock if off".

   I'm not a competitive eater unless someone orders French fries,, "for the table."

   The ULTIMATE a-hole move would be if Bill gates bought every combination of the lotto. Only 176 million combos so he'd double his money unless there was additional winners.

   When I say ‘it's a long story', it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.

   At Walmart, searching for my intellectual soul mate.

   Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.

   I'm going to spend this Valentine's Day with the one I love......I just hope she's working her corner.

   Most people hide their sexual demons; I harness mine and take them out for a ride.

   its friday I smell vodka

   the ring of a home phone is becoming the whistle of a steam train+

   That f*ckin moment you spent all game getting drunk and rooting your team on for the win and they lose and now you just look like a drunk assh0l3!

   Sarcasm is just one of the many free services I offer to people who ask dumb questions.

   I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

   I can be doing all the right things and life still has a way of slapping me in the face..

   Autocorrect is like that person who just graduated college and think they know everything.

   Though they are called supermodels, they do not have any super powers. Unless class 2 drug dependency and being very thin is a power

   I can only assume that naming your daughter Destiny is your way of sentencing her to a life of internet web cam modelling.

   You're cute…That's until your 30-day photoshop trial expires.