Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does everything at my house involve a battery that needs charging?

   Congratulations, you survived the Mayan Disaster. Please resume your life. Thank you.

   A good relationship is when the man thinks twice before every decision the woman makes.

   Note to self: Do not use reverse psychology when trying to stop someone from jumping off a building.

   My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said, "Allan, if you ever get into a fight in the bar, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock." Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

   I'm glad there's an "international" sign for choking, because a foreign speaker might think you were just wildly signaling for a turtleneck.

   Whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with pie!

   needs beer and a violent redhead with handcuffs

   Someday i'll live in my OWN basement!

   Time to get white girl wasted,scream wooo at strangers, cry in a bathroom,take a pic in said bathroom flashing a gang sign & call it a night

   Why does your need to pee intensify by a million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house?

   Ladies: that blood curdling scream you just heard was my warrior cry and definitely had nothing to do with a bee chasing me.

   As a responsible parent, I like to teach my kids that it's not the person you hate...it's their guts!

   Congratulations to Iggy Pop who has managed to find a way to look great for his age and terrible for his age at the same time.

   My wife hates it when I drink. Or breathe.

   You can't control random.

   according to my wife, the only time I've ever been right was when I said I was wrong...

   The key to forgiving somebody is to remember that not everyone is perfect like you.

   The first rule of Marriage Club is there will be a million new rules once you join Marriage Club.

   If you're going to take me on a date to a karaoke bar, we better have sex before we go because I'm going to leave you there.