Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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It's embarrassing when the people at work complain about me farting in my sleep. 
Maybe the Packers should have asked for a discount double check.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I don't understand why people spend so much money on dieting when you can just get lost for 3 weeks in a forest for free
We now live in a wold where you are noticed, acknowledged and financially rewarded for being a douchebag while all the nice and good guys are ignored and neglected. Case in point, Kanye, Bieber, Kim, Minaj, etc
COWORKER: Got a minute?.... ME: Sigh,,,, (Puts "Days Without Being Annoyed By Idiots" sign on desk to 0) Sure,,, What's up?
time is precious...waste it wisely!!
If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to spray paint your name on your garbage cans.
I got 99 problems and they're all due tomorrow!
T Js is garbage. None of these are funny and most are reused from years ago. The prime time on T Js was from 2012-2013 now it’s just pathetic. And I’m sure the mod will delete this. But truth hurts.
You know what goes great with the Corona Virus? Lyme Disease.
Of all the things that taste like chicken, it's weird that eggs are not one of them.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
.... After eight years ... At least with a new President Comedians will finally be allowed to joke about the president once again.
Based on my wardrobe, dog hair is my favorite color:)
I thought my date had big man hands... until I realized I was sitting in the wrong seat in the theater after coming back from the restroom
NEVER challenge a frog in a top hat to a dance off. Seriously.
To girls suffering from a case of too many friend requests: Here is a free tip - Put some clothes on and post your real pictures without photoshop or makeup. Problem solved!
My girl walked in on me while I was on MySpace. I quickly switched it to a porn site just to save myself from an embarrassment.
It's very hard to read someone's body language when they are running away from you. 