Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the world didn't end today?!?! Boy do I have a lot Christmas shopping to do now!

   Either the world didn't end, or heaven looks a lot like my apartment.

   I am not homeless but alot of homeless things happend to me.

   I use to wonder what'd it be like to read other people's minds....I got Facebook and now I am over it!!

   Never let failure get to your heart and never let success get to your head.

   I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet... I get hungry.

   There's no WE in pizza. Only i.

   Recent studies suggest that people are more cynical these day than ever before. Like I'm supposed to believe that.

   The Dark Knight Rises.....a porn title that requires no alterations.

   Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock? I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!

   A teenager's brain is 80% song lyrics.

   gymnists used to look tiny and cute, now they look like they'll kick your @ss in a bar fight

   I was pulled over for driving a Ford Tempo without a cigarette in my mouth.

   I really can't walk the walk or talk the talk but if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.

   Erectile Dysfunction isn't my problem... It's the Erectile Rejection that's a b!tch.

   I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

   Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. B00bs are a great example of this.

   It's hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.

   I would definitely arch my back for you.

   Unsure what love is, but my ex girlfriend thought going through my phone had something to do with it.